God's Provision... Not Always What We Think

 Hello again!

    God's provision. Wow, I definitely don't feel qualified to write anything about this topic, but, I'm not really qualified to write about anything else either, so here I go anyways. ;)
I've been pondering this topic off and on for a few weeks. Mostly, as a result of our youngest son's recent hernia surgery (he's doing great btw, a 14 month old the afternoon after surgery still has more energy to go go go than an adult. Never ceases to amaze me!) and the very many way's God clearly provided for us/him throughout the whole ordeal. I kept thinking "I really need to write all of those amazing blessings, big and small, down. I don't want to forget how good God was through all of it!". I'm still thinking that (and I'll add them at the end another time, just to highlight just how wonderful and attentive God is, He remembers so many details!), but it felt a bit dishonest, in a way, to write about God's provision and only talk about the blessings we enjoy, and not the other miraculous provisions He makes that don't always feel so uncomfortable in the moment.
    What do I mean? Well, one fantastic example that comes to mind is the last 6 months of this year, the now infamous 2020. Discomfort has been one of the greatest blessings He has given us. Along with uncertainty in worldly things. Things we depend on (far more than we should) like jobs and a steady income (I know we wondered often if my husband would keep working or not). Or like being able to go to the local store and know they will have the grocery items we need. Were you panicked about toilet paper? Be honest... ;)  For me, it was produce/food items, with kids with food allergies, I plan out our meals very meticulously. If a shelf is empty from a product we need, I don't really have a lot of other options. That happened often (and still does), and it unsettled me, far more than I like to admit. 
    God's great provision in all of this has been to provide us with Himself as our refuge. No, we didn't go without food and wonderfully, my husband kept working, but the uncertainty drove me to turn to Him all the more fiercely. He made us (definitely me) realize yet again just how fleeting everything here really is, how undependable it actually is. 
    Now don't get me wrong, I struggled. Big time. I didn't want to give up my comfortable, my expected, and my plans for this year. My 2+2=4, where I knew where both 2's were coming from and what I would do with 4 when I had it in hand.  I really fought God in my heart, I knew He was right (And always is), but fear was a very loud adversary. Anxiety danced around me, something akin to the crowd in a mosh-pit at a rock concert. Just bumping me around here to there, trying to knock me down and toss me around, as I tried to find some moment of calm in the middle of the chaos. All the while, God was whispering to me "I'm Here, trust me. I walk on water and quiet storms. I have this and I have you, let ME lead." 
    Honestly, my biggest fear wasn't even the groceries or the bills. It was the news and government statements going around talking about separating families in the event of someone getting the virus. This mama bear was NOT going to stand for that. God gave us those beautiful little men, He has entrusted us to care for them and raise them and love them, and here was the government trying to decide what happens with them regardless of what we as parents said. That terrified me in my bones. Honestly, that situation hasn't changed much in worldly terms, there are still ideas being float around about mandatory vaccinations (no thanks) and restrictions related to those, and other legislation to separate people in relation to the virus. What has changed is my heart in the matter. 
    I finally started listening to God's whispers (which turn out to be much louder the more you focus on them and not the chaos around you). I finally started accepting His control. He reminded me that even though He has given us our lovely monsters, they are still His, and He is and will take care of them (and better than we could ever do on our own). He reminded me that nothing will happen to them/us that He hasn't already decided to allow (or directly make happen) because He KNOWS that ultimately His plans are the absolute best. His provision, even when it hurts and doesn't look like provision, is best and always right. I had to give up control to Him, and when it came to our boys, I realized that was harder than I ever imagined. But, giving up control to our loving God, rather than fearing an evil government (ultimately, not driven by men but by Satan, as the current ruler of this world as stated in Ephesians 6), was different. God's provision to have this chaotic year happen has forced me to evaluate whether I really trust Him as much as I tell myself I do (newsflash, I was very wrong.), and whether I really believe what I believe. He's still growing and stretching me, and I know that is a process that will continue until the day I see Him face to face. However, I can honestly say the troubles (the uncomfortable provision) of this year have drawn me closer to Him, and given me a deeper faith than I had entering this year.
     Its really odd thinking that in January I was full of hope for us to get finances perfectly in order and gaining ground in that arena, I was eager for better physical fitness, for better organization in my home and in homeschooling, eager for all sorts of "american dream" type things. It seemed like everything was "coming together" after years of working toward it. Then the 2020 truck hit and shattered so many of those goals. My previous goals were very "this life" focused. God changed that. He's made me "eternity focused". There was a fantastic question posed by Francis Chan in his book "Crazy Love", it was a question asked in one of His bible college days. The professor asked "What are you doing right now that requires faith?".  God was already working in me, through many books and experiences and His word to make me aware of just how much I wasn't living in faith. I was believing in God, but I was actively living out of fear (but it didn't feel like fear, it just felt like orderly organization/balancing of life's activities). It wasn't until my normal juggling balls just started flying off as if in a storm and I really had to rely on God to keep them on track. Even more so, I had to give up control as to what would happen to each ball, willingly, even if it meant some crashed or disappeared forever. 
    To quote Oswald Chambers in his book "My Utmost for His Highest" (the entry for April 29th),  "Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time." God brought this wonderful piece to mind for me at the very beginning of the lockdown. I found comfort in it even though He made my real spiritual struggle painfully clear.  
    God's provision through these chaotic months has been to draw us back to Him. Luke 14:26 felt like it had become a much more personal challenge this year. It says "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple." In the past, as a single woman, I would skim over it thinking "of course I could could do that, God is always first even if I have to walk away from them." This year, God brought it to mind in a new light, telling me "To love Me, you have to be willing to give them to Me, give them over to My plans, not yours Jamie, even to the point of being separated if that is what is required to fulfill the good I am planning." Well, that was a different ballgame! I get teary even thinking about it. I think I'm finally getting to a place where I can say  "Yes Lord, they are Yours, do what You will."
    It feels ridiculous struggling with this, knowing that God is good, and that ALL good things come from Him, and that nothing will go wrong in His control (And everything in is in His control). Romans 8:28, a common memory verse, is one I have had to really take to heart for the promise written in it "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It still comes back to the challenge given through His provision this year: "Do I really believe what I say I believe?". I do. Do you?
    I found great conviction reading through Esther Ahn Kim's book "If I perish" and the difficult provision (as well as enjoyable) God gave her in the prison (please read it if you can). Its quite humbling to be reminded that even if all we are given is rotten food in a freezing cell, in comparison to all our sins and how holy and good God is (to the point of sacrificing His son to live a sinless life and die on the cross for us), it is still more than we deserve. 
    Anywho, I need to go get my my root canal finished, but that is where God has me right now. His provision is always good, even though some of the greatest ways He provides for us are through the challenges and worldly struggles He allows and brings to us. 
    
    Romans 5:3-5 "3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
  
     I can honestly say, while the world looks the worst I can remember in my lifetime, I have a hope I can't say I've truly known before in my life. His provision of uncertainty and chaos has brought much joy and growth and security. God's ways are certainly not our ways, and I am so grateful for that!

One of my favorite songs right now:
"Who Am I" ~ Need To Breathe

On my own, I can't. But He can.

On my own, without God, I can't. I can't so many many many things.
I have a habit of trying though! I want to do ALL THE THINGS! All the good things. All the things that I think God wants me to be doing or being or thinking or saying or praying or _________(fill in the blank)... I think you get the idea. Alas, I fail. Not necessarily because what I am trying to do is wrong (though sometimes it is, even the best intentions don't always make the path correct), but because HOW I'm going about it is wrong. I'm using my own strength. I'm using gifts God designed into me. I'm working so hard to hold up my accomplishments and say "Here Abba, Father, I did this, aren't you proud??" When really, He wants me to let Him do it with me. He wants me to let Him direct me to what is better, instead of my best. He wants me to grow in those experiences, He wants me to marvel at what He can do and the fact that He chooses to do it with me, and to praise Him (and share with others how great He is so they can do it with Him too), and let Him direct things (as He knows the bigger plan that I only see a tiny part of).  I know just as a human mom, I delight so much when I do something for/with my boys that impresses them (while being a simple task for me). It is so fun to give them the joy of sharing my strength and abilities with them, and showing them how much grander something can be when we do it together. How much greater are the things God wants to do in/through/with me, and I regularly deny Him that pleasure (or obstruct His bigger plan)?
God has been calling to me to let Him do more. I'm still reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and it has been so convicting. Is my life evidence of the Holy Spirit active, doing things in and through me that can not be explained by my own power? In some areas, yes, I can see Him doing works and loving others that in my own strength I really could not be doing. Compassion for the evil people doing evil things in our world right now is not something that comes easily to me. Even more so, feeling compassion toward those people who would threaten my children with the ways they are trying to destroy our country/world is REALLY not something that comes naturally to me. I need the Holy Spirit to do that through me. Through His supernatural power and His truth given to us in the bible.
In all of this, I want change. I don't want to be continuing to struggle and keep "trying to do better" on my own. All the wisdom in the world doesn't mean a thing without the active power of the Holy Spirit in me, strengthening me to accomplish what needs to be done, love those that need to be loved, have joy during the most heartbreaking of moments, and hope when the world around us looks like its spiraling out of control.
So, here I sit, wanting more of Him. Wanting Him to magnify Himself in me. Wanting Him to get the glory for amazing things He will be doing in and through me as I submit myself to Him, and commit to praying much more regularly and seeking Him. Changes won't happen just because I pray more, but through that increased intimacy and reliance on Him I do expect change, and I look forward to sharing His amazing works.

So, what can't I do (well, that's quite a question!)? Where am I lacking on my own, or doing things on my own that would be so much more fantastic done through Him? I'm going to share here things that I find myself continuing to go in circles on. Cycles of trying and succeeding for a while, then failing, then trying again, and so on. These are areas I feel God leading me in, but that I continue to fall short on as I focus more on the tasks and less on the One who has given them to me.

1) Patience with my boys when I am stressed or tired. I regularly remind them that the bible says a gentle word turns away wrath, and that we are to be slow to anger and quick to forgive, but I find myself both being harsh at times and short tempered. I need God for this!
2) Keeping up on household tasks/homeschooling/all the things I need to be accomplishing within my home for our family. There are constant piles of tasks undone, and I sadly eat at the bread of idleness (proverbs 31:27) in the name of "being informed" (reading news and such) much more than I care to admit to myself. I need His work in me, giving me the discipline to stay on task, and the leading of the Holy Spirit to prioritize what REALLY needs doing and where I should change my plans to suit His.
3) Peace. When I look to Him I am filled with His peace, His truth calms me like nothing else. However, I lose focus, look at the things of the world and feel anxious. I need the Holy Spirit filling me with His peace and truth, and need to stop looking for that from external sources, or looking to "veg out" when I should be crying out to Him in my exhaustion and fear.
4) Self discipline in several areas. Self discipline in healthy eating (caring for the very temple of the Holy Spirit, my body, that He has given me), regular exercise, and good quality/quantity of sleep. I know that if He calls me into situations where good food/exercise/sleep are not available He will sustain me. I firmly believe that in the here and now, He is calling me to obedience and to grow in discipline in these areas, as they are strongholds for sin (sugar addiction, food as comfort instead of Him) in my life that I do not want, and neither does He. I need His discipline, His comfort and peace, and His strength to accomplish these goals/healthy habits. He has conquered the world, conquered death, and can conquer these strongholds in me.
5) His discipline and supernatural ability in memorizing scripture and hymns. He wants us to have His word written on our hearts and filling our minds. I know many individual scriptures (or can at least paraphrase them or the stories they are part of), but I've never embarked upon memorizing larger chunks of scripture (paragraphs and whole chapters before). It is terribly intimidating when in the last few weeks I have lost my earphones at the park, forgotten my mask and wallet at home, left my car keys at the grocery store check out counter, and so many other things. My brain used to feel invincible, but now (after 3 kids and so many "marbles" in my head, as my kids say), I struggle to remember the bare necessities. The idea of attempting to memorize full chapters of scripture seems absolutely beyond my own abilities (because frankly, it IS). These are not things I can accomplish in my own strength, I NEED God to make it happen.

So, that is my "I can't, but He can" list. I am committing to praying on these things more, open to His leading and His filling me with His Spirit to accomplish them. Studying His Word for Him to speak to me. I wait excitedly to see what He will do, just as Elijah waited for God to set fire to the wood in 1st Kings chapter 18. Even more so, I look forward to others around me seeing His works and crying out "The Lord, He is God! The Lord, He is God" as the baal worshipers did (1st Kings 18:39).

New Days...

Psalm 118:24 "This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it."

    It's been 4 years since my last post on here was published, and boy have things changed!! We have 3 boys now instead of 2, I am no longer working outside of our home (PRAISE the Lord! My work was I think a big factor in not writing much), I am no longer a "wandering matriarch" as God gave us a new home church 2 years ago, and this year (DUN-DUN-DUNN) 2020 has been a game changer for everyone.
    This year, whew, anyone alive now and reading this I'm sure can agree, is such a weird and unexpected and unfathomable year. I don't pretend to know everything, and I'm certain I am off base on some things, but for the sake of writing this blog I'll try to explain the basics of where I'm coming from in regards to all of this.
    Yes, there is a virus, and it has made people sick and caused deaths. No, I don't think it is the horrible fear-worthy pandemic (akin to Spanish Flu or the Plague) the media and some government officials are trying to convince us it is. Yes, there is still racism around the world and our country, but no, I don't agree that it is a systemic problem within our police system (and if you accuse me of white fragility I have no interest in engaging in that conversation) nor is it limited to one ethnic group as the aggressors or victims. Yes, I do think there are people in power (government or otherwise) who are trying to use the virus situation and racial tension to change things in a very bad way in our country and world. No, Murder Hornets are not something we need to be fearful of.

    So, those are some of my basic understandings on our current world situation. Even bigger though: I still believe that God is good and is in control, and is and WILL work everything out for ultimate good and His glory. I really don't expect things (on a worldly scale) to get "better". In fact, I'm certain that they are going to get worse (at least from a christian perspective). Partially just because of watching what is going on (big push for socialist/marxist ideals in our country, continuing dive into embracing sinful desires and rejecting God, just to point out a few) but mostly because God tells us this will happen (Second Timothy Chapter 3 goes into some detail). He tells us to expect persecution as believers (which is a guarantee as socialism and Marxist ideas spread). 2nd Timothy 3:12 says "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted" as well as John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in Me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble! But take heart, I have overcome the world!".  We are not assured of easy living in this life, we are assured of trouble in this world BUT that God will always provide for us, that He is always with us and guiding us, and that He has an ultimate eternal plan that is so much better than any temporary worldly enjoyments. The struggles here are never in vain, and God is using it all for good.
    Which brings me back to the psalm I opened this with "This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it." Today was made by the Lord, this day with a multitude of sunburns on my skin (ouch.), dizziness while buying groceries from wearing the silly mask I'm required to, and frustrating news of tightening restrictions from our governor (along with the fun stuff too ;) ). I will rejoice, because God has made this day and He has had a purpose in it. He has been working in my heart so much throughout this new season, helping pry my grip from my comforts in our life here and instead helping me to cling to Him as my security (far more secure than any job or full grocery store or easily acquired toilet paper!). The Holy Spirit is actively renewing and changing me to desire God and His will more, and helping me to be more brave in those pursuits. I could not ask for better!

    I came across an old post on facebook recently that had a quote by A. W. Tozer I'd shared that said "I believe the time is coming when we will not be able to take our Christianity as casually as we do now." (posted in 2016). I believe that time is drawing even more near.
    I've been reading the book "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan recently (I highly recommend it, it is about the Holy Spirit, both who He is and what He does, as well as our terrible habit of neglecting Him in our lives and in the church) and there was a story about a woman name Esther Ahn Kim from WW2 and I feel it is very fitting for what we are stepping in to as Christians right now. I've posted the pictures of the story from the book below.
    Are we entering into "official" end times? I don't know, and I won't presume to know that. I know that we are told that it is coming and to be ready, and in the meantime to be knowing God and making Him known to those we come in contact with. To love Him, and to love others as He does. To hate evil and love God and do good. I've definitely taken that calling more casually than I'm happy about over the years. But, like Esther Ahn Kim, I am seeing the signs of increased persecution for God's children, and I want to be ready.
    I'm praying for the Holy Spirit to give me the kind of self-discipline only He can give in accomplishing this, and for His leading as to what areas specifically I should be focusing on (for myself and my family). I encourage you to do the same!




           

Wandering Matriarch and Tribal Dissolution

       It happened again today. Just as I was getting the boys in the car to leave the park, 3 cars with other mom's and kids arrived. They clearly knew each other and this was a planned event, as they chatted while unloading strollers and kids and whatnot, likely about to do some laps around the park before letting the little's loose to play. I drove away feeling a familiar sinking feeling in my heart again, blinking a few stubborn tears away. I long to have a tribe like that.
       You see, when it comes to social lives and having a familiar, regular group of friends to meet up with, my hubby and I and our boys are sort of in this "dry season". Do we have friends? Yes, some very dear ones who I am so grateful for (so any of you reading this, please don't think I take our relationships for granted). However, after some changes with church, jobs, moving out of town,  and children (gaining some and time passing so they are all in different directions as they get older and have their own lives for us to tend to), I don't really feel like we are in the same "tribe" anymore. We still connect from time to time, some of us more than others, but we aren't as regular fixtures in each others live's anymore. Aside from a weekly playdate some of the moms and myself try to make (which seems to be dwindling more often as schedules change), I'm only in super regular contact with one or two of them. This isn't because we don't care about each other anymore, its just part of life. Growing older and going different directions, and having a slightly harder time relating to where each other is at in life on occasion (though still caring very much). I'm not upset at anyone for it, as I know it is just how it needs to happen, and it is a good thing really, as it makes room for growth for all of us, and new relationships and new ways for us to love others and God and all that encompasses.
      I think the hardest part for me (and my husband as well I) is that it feels as though everyone else is moving into their own new tribes, and we are still clinging onto the old connections without creating new ones. The pond for social connection and relationship is getting shallower and shallower but we still thirst for those connections (yes, even as introverts). I struggle with feeling like we are stuck and it is out of our control, saying to myself "We are too tired from jobs, we can't make it out to find a new church because Sunday often times is hubby's only day off and I'm exhausted from work and kids all week, and then if we go Sunday, it won't even help as I'll be wrestling our tired 1 year old because he wants lunch and naptime and church service is during that time. I can't make new connections at the park because all the moms are already plugged into their tribes and I have been shot down multiple times already any time I try to speak up and make a new connection. I have MOPS but struggle to connect there more in the past year because of introversion, PPD,  and exhaustion trying not to fall asleep during some of the meetings. It just won't happen and I'm bad at making new friends in the first place. And, if I do happen to connect with someone, introversion takes over for a bit and then I totally fail at maintaining the new connections that are just starting out so then they are gone again." - Can anyone relate? Its a frustrating cycle of  feeling lonely-trying to make a new connection- fail at said attempt (either because I'm too self conscious, or I do speak up and then the mom who told me to friend her online ignores and eventually deletes my request, or I call/text 20 people and no one is free)- get bummed out and don't want to try- get lonely again- try again- fail. It's discouraging to say the least.
       I'm not totally sure why I'm writing all of this, other than to just get it out of my head. I know we won't stay stuck here. In terms of the tangible/can see change happening kind of things, my work schedule has just changed so I should (likely and hopefully) be having sundays (whole weekends actually) off moving forward (starting this weekend, woohoo!!) which will definitely make reaching out on sundays more possible again. In terms of deeper truths, I know that I can rest in God. He knows the aching of my heart for a close tribe. He hears us always, and He desires to love and be loved and to be in relationship with Him and with other people. We can take comfort that He, first and foremost, is always with us- Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I don't need to fear that I can't make it through some parenting difficulty or loneliness or what ever challenge may come, He promises to always be with me, and to always be my strength leading me to what is true and right. In that, I can trust that He wont leave me to be a lonely matriarch without others to be connected closely with, He will bring us a new close tribe. Psalm 37:4 says "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." God knows what we desire, and He promises to bring that as we put our joy and delight in Him. I take this as both a loving promise and as a reminder of the truth that is found in drawing near to Him. His goal isn't only that we get our hearts desires, but instead, that we find our true joy in Him and are sanctified and made new in Him. I have no doubt that this "dry season" for us socially is more than just some lonely valley. Its an opportunity for us to really lean into and pursue Him. Active social lives are a blessing, but can also be a distraction from relationship with God. Having a strong support system within a tribe is an amazing, wonderful thing, but I have also seen how we can sometimes lean on the support and wisdom of friends in place of turning to God. As hard as it is, hubby and I have definitely been shaken from our comfort zones during this dry spell (during an especially challenging past couple of years learning to parent and navigate allergy issues and whatnot) and are being renewed and purified in Him. 1 Peter 1:7 says it well "These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
       Do I believe that God has intentionally caused us loneliness from other people? No, not for a moment (edit 4 years later: maybe He DID do it on purpose, not because He is mean, but because He knew the great blessing that the dry time without distraction would be!). I do believe that He has allowed the natural consequences of life changes and a fallen world (that has resulted in insecurities and other obstacles to easy connections) to happen for our good, to draw us closer to Him and to help us to possibly better relate with and love others in the future who may also struggle with loneliness.  He is good and pure and righteous and loving, and His desires and plans are so much bigger and deeper than anything we could possibly fathom in the here and now, and I am so glad that we can trust in Him and His promises.
       Maybe this change with my work schedule is the beginning of a change in seasons for us, maybe He will let us wander here a bit longer, I don't really know. I do know who He is though, and wonderfully, He is more than enough.

The beginning

       I have to be honest, I'm quite freaked out just typing this. A bit over a week ago the idea to start a blog basically just covering where I'm at right now (along with different ponderings I have on occasion) popped into my head while doing my bible study. It was one of those things that I would not normally think to do on my own (and hadn't considered in the past), so it sort of stuck with me, wondering if God was nudging me to open up more. By nature, I am an introvert. The way I usually put it is "I love people, lots, I just don't like being around them too much.". :) Along with that, I'm a very honest person, and tend to be rather open with my thoughts/opinions, but am FAR less inclined to want to share what I'm feeling on any deep issues or struggles. What I'm thinking, sure, I'll share, but what I'm feeling is not something I prefer to do, let alone type out for the world to see. I like to figure out what I feel, and then, when secure in that, I can share bits with safe people. This whole blogging thing, where I openly share what I'm feeling/working through is definitely not in my nature. That said, it is exactly why I am pressing in and doing so now. Why? I remember a speaker I heard around 9 years ago on the radio who was sharing about listening for God's voice, and how He speaks in many different ways. One such way, the speaker suggested, for God to direct you was when an idea (or "prodding" as a friend of mine and I refer to it) pops into your head to do something that is totally against your own natural inclination, something you would never normally think to do yourself. He said to pay attention, because sometimes that totally random idea is really the Holy Spirit prodding you to do something. That lesson has stuck with me over the years, and I have taken up the speakers suggestion to follow through on it, with astonishing results when it comes to interactions with other people (be it the idea to help someone out of my comfort zone I typically wouldn't, or to simply speak up to someone and get to know them deeper), really just blowing my mind at the depth of those connections when I followed through with the "God prodding", and being very firmly assured by the end of the interaction that the prodding was most definitely from the Holy Spirit.
       I have felt that same kind of prodding regarding starting writing this blog. So, here I am. Please forgive any grammatical or spelling errors, as I am very much out of practice when it comes to writing, and would not consider myself an expert in prose to begin with.  I am sharing what I will share partly for my own self, to keep myself accountable in some goals I am working towards, and partly sharing for the sake of anyone who might choose to read this. I don't for a moment think of myself as some amazing wise figure, whom everyone should clamber to read for their own great blessing, but just know how wonderful it has been for me reading some blogs at times. I've gained reassurance through some that I'm not the only one going through the struggles I am,  and found a "friend" in a stranger who took the time to share where they have been in the hopes of encouraging who ever might stumble on their page. My hope is to maybe encourage someone who might read this, as well as maybe form deeper connections with people I might already know but have been hesitant to share certain depths with. (Though, at this point, I'm still unsure if I am even wanting to share this page with people I know yet. Strangers are so much safer in this context, I mean, no offense strangers, but it will sting a whole lot less if you criticize me in the comments than it would if someone I know and respect were to do so.)
      Finally, (since it's late and my day off, so I really should be taking advantage of sleep opportunities here) why name this blog "Secretly Magnificent"? No, it is not because I secretly believe myself to be amazing and more wonderful than so many others. It is because I struggle to see any magnificence in myself, but know that the God who lovingly created me and you and everyone else does see magnificence. He designed and loves us. When He created the world and all the creatures and the magnificent skies and mountains and stars and seas and all the amazing things in it, He called his creation (before making man) "good" (In genesis 1:24), yet, after making man and woman on the 6th day, he surveyed again (in verse 31), He then called it all "very good". If man and woman, made in God's image, can bump His view of all of creation from "good" to "very good", He must see something magnificent in us, don't you think? We are magnificent because He made us so, in HIS very own image. We are fallen and sinful because we chose to be. And we are now redeemed and washed free from all our failings and sins and all shortcomings, and are made perfect (Hebrews 10:14) and holy through Him who made us. I find that magnificent.  Why "Secretly Magnificent" though? It is because I myself have a hard time seeing past the lies of the world, and specifically, Satan, that tell me I'm not. They say I am never enough, they get me to focus on the short comings and failures and sins, and try to blind me from the freedom, victory, and new creation I am in Christ. That magnificence, that perfection in Christ, that power that comes through the Holy Spirit to be more like Jesus and less like my old self seems like a secret I've been reluctant to believe, and share, and live. Not anymore though. I want to live the magnificent life God has made in and through me. Be it during my struggle to overcome sugar addiction, or while scraping by financially, during challenges trying to help our boys grow into the men God wants them to be, or any other paths we come across in life. He is the power to overcome all struggles and challenges in this world (as Jesus has already overcome it all), and I am ready to stop allowing His magnificence in us to be a secret.
So, thats that. I don't really know who will read this, but I'll keep writing none the less.
Goodnight all.