Wandering Matriarch and Tribal Dissolution

       It happened again today. Just as I was getting the boys in the car to leave the park, 3 cars with other mom's and kids arrived. They clearly knew each other and this was a planned event, as they chatted while unloading strollers and kids and whatnot, likely about to do some laps around the park before letting the little's loose to play. I drove away feeling a familiar sinking feeling in my heart again, blinking a few stubborn tears away. I long to have a tribe like that.
       You see, when it comes to social lives and having a familiar, regular group of friends to meet up with, my hubby and I and our boys are sort of in this "dry season". Do we have friends? Yes, some very dear ones who I am so grateful for (so any of you reading this, please don't think I take our relationships for granted). However, after some changes with church, jobs, moving out of town,  and children (gaining some and time passing so they are all in different directions as they get older and have their own lives for us to tend to), I don't really feel like we are in the same "tribe" anymore. We still connect from time to time, some of us more than others, but we aren't as regular fixtures in each others live's anymore. Aside from a weekly playdate some of the moms and myself try to make (which seems to be dwindling more often as schedules change), I'm only in super regular contact with one or two of them. This isn't because we don't care about each other anymore, its just part of life. Growing older and going different directions, and having a slightly harder time relating to where each other is at in life on occasion (though still caring very much). I'm not upset at anyone for it, as I know it is just how it needs to happen, and it is a good thing really, as it makes room for growth for all of us, and new relationships and new ways for us to love others and God and all that encompasses.
      I think the hardest part for me (and my husband as well I) is that it feels as though everyone else is moving into their own new tribes, and we are still clinging onto the old connections without creating new ones. The pond for social connection and relationship is getting shallower and shallower but we still thirst for those connections (yes, even as introverts). I struggle with feeling like we are stuck and it is out of our control, saying to myself "We are too tired from jobs, we can't make it out to find a new church because Sunday often times is hubby's only day off and I'm exhausted from work and kids all week, and then if we go Sunday, it won't even help as I'll be wrestling our tired 1 year old because he wants lunch and naptime and church service is during that time. I can't make new connections at the park because all the moms are already plugged into their tribes and I have been shot down multiple times already any time I try to speak up and make a new connection. I have MOPS but struggle to connect there more in the past year because of introversion, PPD,  and exhaustion trying not to fall asleep during some of the meetings. It just won't happen and I'm bad at making new friends in the first place. And, if I do happen to connect with someone, introversion takes over for a bit and then I totally fail at maintaining the new connections that are just starting out so then they are gone again." - Can anyone relate? Its a frustrating cycle of  feeling lonely-trying to make a new connection- fail at said attempt (either because I'm too self conscious, or I do speak up and then the mom who told me to friend her online ignores and eventually deletes my request, or I call/text 20 people and no one is free)- get bummed out and don't want to try- get lonely again- try again- fail. It's discouraging to say the least.
       I'm not totally sure why I'm writing all of this, other than to just get it out of my head. I know we won't stay stuck here. In terms of the tangible/can see change happening kind of things, my work schedule has just changed so I should (likely and hopefully) be having sundays (whole weekends actually) off moving forward (starting this weekend, woohoo!!) which will definitely make reaching out on sundays more possible again. In terms of deeper truths, I know that I can rest in God. He knows the aching of my heart for a close tribe. He hears us always, and He desires to love and be loved and to be in relationship with Him and with other people. We can take comfort that He, first and foremost, is always with us- Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I don't need to fear that I can't make it through some parenting difficulty or loneliness or what ever challenge may come, He promises to always be with me, and to always be my strength leading me to what is true and right. In that, I can trust that He wont leave me to be a lonely matriarch without others to be connected closely with, He will bring us a new close tribe. Psalm 37:4 says "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." God knows what we desire, and He promises to bring that as we put our joy and delight in Him. I take this as both a loving promise and as a reminder of the truth that is found in drawing near to Him. His goal isn't only that we get our hearts desires, but instead, that we find our true joy in Him and are sanctified and made new in Him. I have no doubt that this "dry season" for us socially is more than just some lonely valley. Its an opportunity for us to really lean into and pursue Him. Active social lives are a blessing, but can also be a distraction from relationship with God. Having a strong support system within a tribe is an amazing, wonderful thing, but I have also seen how we can sometimes lean on the support and wisdom of friends in place of turning to God. As hard as it is, hubby and I have definitely been shaken from our comfort zones during this dry spell (during an especially challenging past couple of years learning to parent and navigate allergy issues and whatnot) and are being renewed and purified in Him. 1 Peter 1:7 says it well "These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
       Do I believe that God has intentionally caused us loneliness from other people? No, not for a moment (edit 4 years later: maybe He DID do it on purpose, not because He is mean, but because He knew the great blessing that the dry time without distraction would be!). I do believe that He has allowed the natural consequences of life changes and a fallen world (that has resulted in insecurities and other obstacles to easy connections) to happen for our good, to draw us closer to Him and to help us to possibly better relate with and love others in the future who may also struggle with loneliness.  He is good and pure and righteous and loving, and His desires and plans are so much bigger and deeper than anything we could possibly fathom in the here and now, and I am so glad that we can trust in Him and His promises.
       Maybe this change with my work schedule is the beginning of a change in seasons for us, maybe He will let us wander here a bit longer, I don't really know. I do know who He is though, and wonderfully, He is more than enough.

The beginning

       I have to be honest, I'm quite freaked out just typing this. A bit over a week ago the idea to start a blog basically just covering where I'm at right now (along with different ponderings I have on occasion) popped into my head while doing my bible study. It was one of those things that I would not normally think to do on my own (and hadn't considered in the past), so it sort of stuck with me, wondering if God was nudging me to open up more. By nature, I am an introvert. The way I usually put it is "I love people, lots, I just don't like being around them too much.". :) Along with that, I'm a very honest person, and tend to be rather open with my thoughts/opinions, but am FAR less inclined to want to share what I'm feeling on any deep issues or struggles. What I'm thinking, sure, I'll share, but what I'm feeling is not something I prefer to do, let alone type out for the world to see. I like to figure out what I feel, and then, when secure in that, I can share bits with safe people. This whole blogging thing, where I openly share what I'm feeling/working through is definitely not in my nature. That said, it is exactly why I am pressing in and doing so now. Why? I remember a speaker I heard around 9 years ago on the radio who was sharing about listening for God's voice, and how He speaks in many different ways. One such way, the speaker suggested, for God to direct you was when an idea (or "prodding" as a friend of mine and I refer to it) pops into your head to do something that is totally against your own natural inclination, something you would never normally think to do yourself. He said to pay attention, because sometimes that totally random idea is really the Holy Spirit prodding you to do something. That lesson has stuck with me over the years, and I have taken up the speakers suggestion to follow through on it, with astonishing results when it comes to interactions with other people (be it the idea to help someone out of my comfort zone I typically wouldn't, or to simply speak up to someone and get to know them deeper), really just blowing my mind at the depth of those connections when I followed through with the "God prodding", and being very firmly assured by the end of the interaction that the prodding was most definitely from the Holy Spirit.
       I have felt that same kind of prodding regarding starting writing this blog. So, here I am. Please forgive any grammatical or spelling errors, as I am very much out of practice when it comes to writing, and would not consider myself an expert in prose to begin with.  I am sharing what I will share partly for my own self, to keep myself accountable in some goals I am working towards, and partly sharing for the sake of anyone who might choose to read this. I don't for a moment think of myself as some amazing wise figure, whom everyone should clamber to read for their own great blessing, but just know how wonderful it has been for me reading some blogs at times. I've gained reassurance through some that I'm not the only one going through the struggles I am,  and found a "friend" in a stranger who took the time to share where they have been in the hopes of encouraging who ever might stumble on their page. My hope is to maybe encourage someone who might read this, as well as maybe form deeper connections with people I might already know but have been hesitant to share certain depths with. (Though, at this point, I'm still unsure if I am even wanting to share this page with people I know yet. Strangers are so much safer in this context, I mean, no offense strangers, but it will sting a whole lot less if you criticize me in the comments than it would if someone I know and respect were to do so.)
      Finally, (since it's late and my day off, so I really should be taking advantage of sleep opportunities here) why name this blog "Secretly Magnificent"? No, it is not because I secretly believe myself to be amazing and more wonderful than so many others. It is because I struggle to see any magnificence in myself, but know that the God who lovingly created me and you and everyone else does see magnificence. He designed and loves us. When He created the world and all the creatures and the magnificent skies and mountains and stars and seas and all the amazing things in it, He called his creation (before making man) "good" (In genesis 1:24), yet, after making man and woman on the 6th day, he surveyed again (in verse 31), He then called it all "very good". If man and woman, made in God's image, can bump His view of all of creation from "good" to "very good", He must see something magnificent in us, don't you think? We are magnificent because He made us so, in HIS very own image. We are fallen and sinful because we chose to be. And we are now redeemed and washed free from all our failings and sins and all shortcomings, and are made perfect (Hebrews 10:14) and holy through Him who made us. I find that magnificent.  Why "Secretly Magnificent" though? It is because I myself have a hard time seeing past the lies of the world, and specifically, Satan, that tell me I'm not. They say I am never enough, they get me to focus on the short comings and failures and sins, and try to blind me from the freedom, victory, and new creation I am in Christ. That magnificence, that perfection in Christ, that power that comes through the Holy Spirit to be more like Jesus and less like my old self seems like a secret I've been reluctant to believe, and share, and live. Not anymore though. I want to live the magnificent life God has made in and through me. Be it during my struggle to overcome sugar addiction, or while scraping by financially, during challenges trying to help our boys grow into the men God wants them to be, or any other paths we come across in life. He is the power to overcome all struggles and challenges in this world (as Jesus has already overcome it all), and I am ready to stop allowing His magnificence in us to be a secret.
So, thats that. I don't really know who will read this, but I'll keep writing none the less.
Goodnight all.