On my own, I can't. But He can.

On my own, without God, I can't. I can't so many many many things.
I have a habit of trying though! I want to do ALL THE THINGS! All the good things. All the things that I think God wants me to be doing or being or thinking or saying or praying or _________(fill in the blank)... I think you get the idea. Alas, I fail. Not necessarily because what I am trying to do is wrong (though sometimes it is, even the best intentions don't always make the path correct), but because HOW I'm going about it is wrong. I'm using my own strength. I'm using gifts God designed into me. I'm working so hard to hold up my accomplishments and say "Here Abba, Father, I did this, aren't you proud??" When really, He wants me to let Him do it with me. He wants me to let Him direct me to what is better, instead of my best. He wants me to grow in those experiences, He wants me to marvel at what He can do and the fact that He chooses to do it with me, and to praise Him (and share with others how great He is so they can do it with Him too), and let Him direct things (as He knows the bigger plan that I only see a tiny part of).  I know just as a human mom, I delight so much when I do something for/with my boys that impresses them (while being a simple task for me). It is so fun to give them the joy of sharing my strength and abilities with them, and showing them how much grander something can be when we do it together. How much greater are the things God wants to do in/through/with me, and I regularly deny Him that pleasure (or obstruct His bigger plan)?
God has been calling to me to let Him do more. I'm still reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and it has been so convicting. Is my life evidence of the Holy Spirit active, doing things in and through me that can not be explained by my own power? In some areas, yes, I can see Him doing works and loving others that in my own strength I really could not be doing. Compassion for the evil people doing evil things in our world right now is not something that comes easily to me. Even more so, feeling compassion toward those people who would threaten my children with the ways they are trying to destroy our country/world is REALLY not something that comes naturally to me. I need the Holy Spirit to do that through me. Through His supernatural power and His truth given to us in the bible.
In all of this, I want change. I don't want to be continuing to struggle and keep "trying to do better" on my own. All the wisdom in the world doesn't mean a thing without the active power of the Holy Spirit in me, strengthening me to accomplish what needs to be done, love those that need to be loved, have joy during the most heartbreaking of moments, and hope when the world around us looks like its spiraling out of control.
So, here I sit, wanting more of Him. Wanting Him to magnify Himself in me. Wanting Him to get the glory for amazing things He will be doing in and through me as I submit myself to Him, and commit to praying much more regularly and seeking Him. Changes won't happen just because I pray more, but through that increased intimacy and reliance on Him I do expect change, and I look forward to sharing His amazing works.

So, what can't I do (well, that's quite a question!)? Where am I lacking on my own, or doing things on my own that would be so much more fantastic done through Him? I'm going to share here things that I find myself continuing to go in circles on. Cycles of trying and succeeding for a while, then failing, then trying again, and so on. These are areas I feel God leading me in, but that I continue to fall short on as I focus more on the tasks and less on the One who has given them to me.

1) Patience with my boys when I am stressed or tired. I regularly remind them that the bible says a gentle word turns away wrath, and that we are to be slow to anger and quick to forgive, but I find myself both being harsh at times and short tempered. I need God for this!
2) Keeping up on household tasks/homeschooling/all the things I need to be accomplishing within my home for our family. There are constant piles of tasks undone, and I sadly eat at the bread of idleness (proverbs 31:27) in the name of "being informed" (reading news and such) much more than I care to admit to myself. I need His work in me, giving me the discipline to stay on task, and the leading of the Holy Spirit to prioritize what REALLY needs doing and where I should change my plans to suit His.
3) Peace. When I look to Him I am filled with His peace, His truth calms me like nothing else. However, I lose focus, look at the things of the world and feel anxious. I need the Holy Spirit filling me with His peace and truth, and need to stop looking for that from external sources, or looking to "veg out" when I should be crying out to Him in my exhaustion and fear.
4) Self discipline in several areas. Self discipline in healthy eating (caring for the very temple of the Holy Spirit, my body, that He has given me), regular exercise, and good quality/quantity of sleep. I know that if He calls me into situations where good food/exercise/sleep are not available He will sustain me. I firmly believe that in the here and now, He is calling me to obedience and to grow in discipline in these areas, as they are strongholds for sin (sugar addiction, food as comfort instead of Him) in my life that I do not want, and neither does He. I need His discipline, His comfort and peace, and His strength to accomplish these goals/healthy habits. He has conquered the world, conquered death, and can conquer these strongholds in me.
5) His discipline and supernatural ability in memorizing scripture and hymns. He wants us to have His word written on our hearts and filling our minds. I know many individual scriptures (or can at least paraphrase them or the stories they are part of), but I've never embarked upon memorizing larger chunks of scripture (paragraphs and whole chapters before). It is terribly intimidating when in the last few weeks I have lost my earphones at the park, forgotten my mask and wallet at home, left my car keys at the grocery store check out counter, and so many other things. My brain used to feel invincible, but now (after 3 kids and so many "marbles" in my head, as my kids say), I struggle to remember the bare necessities. The idea of attempting to memorize full chapters of scripture seems absolutely beyond my own abilities (because frankly, it IS). These are not things I can accomplish in my own strength, I NEED God to make it happen.

So, that is my "I can't, but He can" list. I am committing to praying on these things more, open to His leading and His filling me with His Spirit to accomplish them. Studying His Word for Him to speak to me. I wait excitedly to see what He will do, just as Elijah waited for God to set fire to the wood in 1st Kings chapter 18. Even more so, I look forward to others around me seeing His works and crying out "The Lord, He is God! The Lord, He is God" as the baal worshipers did (1st Kings 18:39).

New Days...

Psalm 118:24 "This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it."

    It's been 4 years since my last post on here was published, and boy have things changed!! We have 3 boys now instead of 2, I am no longer working outside of our home (PRAISE the Lord! My work was I think a big factor in not writing much), I am no longer a "wandering matriarch" as God gave us a new home church 2 years ago, and this year (DUN-DUN-DUNN) 2020 has been a game changer for everyone.
    This year, whew, anyone alive now and reading this I'm sure can agree, is such a weird and unexpected and unfathomable year. I don't pretend to know everything, and I'm certain I am off base on some things, but for the sake of writing this blog I'll try to explain the basics of where I'm coming from in regards to all of this.
    Yes, there is a virus, and it has made people sick and caused deaths. No, I don't think it is the horrible fear-worthy pandemic (akin to Spanish Flu or the Plague) the media and some government officials are trying to convince us it is. Yes, there is still racism around the world and our country, but no, I don't agree that it is a systemic problem within our police system (and if you accuse me of white fragility I have no interest in engaging in that conversation) nor is it limited to one ethnic group as the aggressors or victims. Yes, I do think there are people in power (government or otherwise) who are trying to use the virus situation and racial tension to change things in a very bad way in our country and world. No, Murder Hornets are not something we need to be fearful of.

    So, those are some of my basic understandings on our current world situation. Even bigger though: I still believe that God is good and is in control, and is and WILL work everything out for ultimate good and His glory. I really don't expect things (on a worldly scale) to get "better". In fact, I'm certain that they are going to get worse (at least from a christian perspective). Partially just because of watching what is going on (big push for socialist/marxist ideals in our country, continuing dive into embracing sinful desires and rejecting God, just to point out a few) but mostly because God tells us this will happen (Second Timothy Chapter 3 goes into some detail). He tells us to expect persecution as believers (which is a guarantee as socialism and Marxist ideas spread). 2nd Timothy 3:12 says "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted" as well as John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in Me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble! But take heart, I have overcome the world!".  We are not assured of easy living in this life, we are assured of trouble in this world BUT that God will always provide for us, that He is always with us and guiding us, and that He has an ultimate eternal plan that is so much better than any temporary worldly enjoyments. The struggles here are never in vain, and God is using it all for good.
    Which brings me back to the psalm I opened this with "This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it." Today was made by the Lord, this day with a multitude of sunburns on my skin (ouch.), dizziness while buying groceries from wearing the silly mask I'm required to, and frustrating news of tightening restrictions from our governor (along with the fun stuff too ;) ). I will rejoice, because God has made this day and He has had a purpose in it. He has been working in my heart so much throughout this new season, helping pry my grip from my comforts in our life here and instead helping me to cling to Him as my security (far more secure than any job or full grocery store or easily acquired toilet paper!). The Holy Spirit is actively renewing and changing me to desire God and His will more, and helping me to be more brave in those pursuits. I could not ask for better!

    I came across an old post on facebook recently that had a quote by A. W. Tozer I'd shared that said "I believe the time is coming when we will not be able to take our Christianity as casually as we do now." (posted in 2016). I believe that time is drawing even more near.
    I've been reading the book "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan recently (I highly recommend it, it is about the Holy Spirit, both who He is and what He does, as well as our terrible habit of neglecting Him in our lives and in the church) and there was a story about a woman name Esther Ahn Kim from WW2 and I feel it is very fitting for what we are stepping in to as Christians right now. I've posted the pictures of the story from the book below.
    Are we entering into "official" end times? I don't know, and I won't presume to know that. I know that we are told that it is coming and to be ready, and in the meantime to be knowing God and making Him known to those we come in contact with. To love Him, and to love others as He does. To hate evil and love God and do good. I've definitely taken that calling more casually than I'm happy about over the years. But, like Esther Ahn Kim, I am seeing the signs of increased persecution for God's children, and I want to be ready.
    I'm praying for the Holy Spirit to give me the kind of self-discipline only He can give in accomplishing this, and for His leading as to what areas specifically I should be focusing on (for myself and my family). I encourage you to do the same!