God's Provision... Not Always What We Think

 Hello again!

    God's provision. Wow, I definitely don't feel qualified to write anything about this topic, but, I'm not really qualified to write about anything else either, so here I go anyways. ;)
I've been pondering this topic off and on for a few weeks. Mostly, as a result of our youngest son's recent hernia surgery (he's doing great btw, a 14 month old the afternoon after surgery still has more energy to go go go than an adult. Never ceases to amaze me!) and the very many way's God clearly provided for us/him throughout the whole ordeal. I kept thinking "I really need to write all of those amazing blessings, big and small, down. I don't want to forget how good God was through all of it!". I'm still thinking that (and I'll add them at the end another time, just to highlight just how wonderful and attentive God is, He remembers so many details!), but it felt a bit dishonest, in a way, to write about God's provision and only talk about the blessings we enjoy, and not the other miraculous provisions He makes that don't always feel so uncomfortable in the moment.
    What do I mean? Well, one fantastic example that comes to mind is the last 6 months of this year, the now infamous 2020. Discomfort has been one of the greatest blessings He has given us. Along with uncertainty in worldly things. Things we depend on (far more than we should) like jobs and a steady income (I know we wondered often if my husband would keep working or not). Or like being able to go to the local store and know they will have the grocery items we need. Were you panicked about toilet paper? Be honest... ;)  For me, it was produce/food items, with kids with food allergies, I plan out our meals very meticulously. If a shelf is empty from a product we need, I don't really have a lot of other options. That happened often (and still does), and it unsettled me, far more than I like to admit. 
    God's great provision in all of this has been to provide us with Himself as our refuge. No, we didn't go without food and wonderfully, my husband kept working, but the uncertainty drove me to turn to Him all the more fiercely. He made us (definitely me) realize yet again just how fleeting everything here really is, how undependable it actually is. 
    Now don't get me wrong, I struggled. Big time. I didn't want to give up my comfortable, my expected, and my plans for this year. My 2+2=4, where I knew where both 2's were coming from and what I would do with 4 when I had it in hand.  I really fought God in my heart, I knew He was right (And always is), but fear was a very loud adversary. Anxiety danced around me, something akin to the crowd in a mosh-pit at a rock concert. Just bumping me around here to there, trying to knock me down and toss me around, as I tried to find some moment of calm in the middle of the chaos. All the while, God was whispering to me "I'm Here, trust me. I walk on water and quiet storms. I have this and I have you, let ME lead." 
    Honestly, my biggest fear wasn't even the groceries or the bills. It was the news and government statements going around talking about separating families in the event of someone getting the virus. This mama bear was NOT going to stand for that. God gave us those beautiful little men, He has entrusted us to care for them and raise them and love them, and here was the government trying to decide what happens with them regardless of what we as parents said. That terrified me in my bones. Honestly, that situation hasn't changed much in worldly terms, there are still ideas being float around about mandatory vaccinations (no thanks) and restrictions related to those, and other legislation to separate people in relation to the virus. What has changed is my heart in the matter. 
    I finally started listening to God's whispers (which turn out to be much louder the more you focus on them and not the chaos around you). I finally started accepting His control. He reminded me that even though He has given us our lovely monsters, they are still His, and He is and will take care of them (and better than we could ever do on our own). He reminded me that nothing will happen to them/us that He hasn't already decided to allow (or directly make happen) because He KNOWS that ultimately His plans are the absolute best. His provision, even when it hurts and doesn't look like provision, is best and always right. I had to give up control to Him, and when it came to our boys, I realized that was harder than I ever imagined. But, giving up control to our loving God, rather than fearing an evil government (ultimately, not driven by men but by Satan, as the current ruler of this world as stated in Ephesians 6), was different. God's provision to have this chaotic year happen has forced me to evaluate whether I really trust Him as much as I tell myself I do (newsflash, I was very wrong.), and whether I really believe what I believe. He's still growing and stretching me, and I know that is a process that will continue until the day I see Him face to face. However, I can honestly say the troubles (the uncomfortable provision) of this year have drawn me closer to Him, and given me a deeper faith than I had entering this year.
     Its really odd thinking that in January I was full of hope for us to get finances perfectly in order and gaining ground in that arena, I was eager for better physical fitness, for better organization in my home and in homeschooling, eager for all sorts of "american dream" type things. It seemed like everything was "coming together" after years of working toward it. Then the 2020 truck hit and shattered so many of those goals. My previous goals were very "this life" focused. God changed that. He's made me "eternity focused". There was a fantastic question posed by Francis Chan in his book "Crazy Love", it was a question asked in one of His bible college days. The professor asked "What are you doing right now that requires faith?".  God was already working in me, through many books and experiences and His word to make me aware of just how much I wasn't living in faith. I was believing in God, but I was actively living out of fear (but it didn't feel like fear, it just felt like orderly organization/balancing of life's activities). It wasn't until my normal juggling balls just started flying off as if in a storm and I really had to rely on God to keep them on track. Even more so, I had to give up control as to what would happen to each ball, willingly, even if it meant some crashed or disappeared forever. 
    To quote Oswald Chambers in his book "My Utmost for His Highest" (the entry for April 29th),  "Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time." God brought this wonderful piece to mind for me at the very beginning of the lockdown. I found comfort in it even though He made my real spiritual struggle painfully clear.  
    God's provision through these chaotic months has been to draw us back to Him. Luke 14:26 felt like it had become a much more personal challenge this year. It says "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple." In the past, as a single woman, I would skim over it thinking "of course I could could do that, God is always first even if I have to walk away from them." This year, God brought it to mind in a new light, telling me "To love Me, you have to be willing to give them to Me, give them over to My plans, not yours Jamie, even to the point of being separated if that is what is required to fulfill the good I am planning." Well, that was a different ballgame! I get teary even thinking about it. I think I'm finally getting to a place where I can say  "Yes Lord, they are Yours, do what You will."
    It feels ridiculous struggling with this, knowing that God is good, and that ALL good things come from Him, and that nothing will go wrong in His control (And everything in is in His control). Romans 8:28, a common memory verse, is one I have had to really take to heart for the promise written in it "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It still comes back to the challenge given through His provision this year: "Do I really believe what I say I believe?". I do. Do you?
    I found great conviction reading through Esther Ahn Kim's book "If I perish" and the difficult provision (as well as enjoyable) God gave her in the prison (please read it if you can). Its quite humbling to be reminded that even if all we are given is rotten food in a freezing cell, in comparison to all our sins and how holy and good God is (to the point of sacrificing His son to live a sinless life and die on the cross for us), it is still more than we deserve. 
    Anywho, I need to go get my my root canal finished, but that is where God has me right now. His provision is always good, even though some of the greatest ways He provides for us are through the challenges and worldly struggles He allows and brings to us. 
    
    Romans 5:3-5 "3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
  
     I can honestly say, while the world looks the worst I can remember in my lifetime, I have a hope I can't say I've truly known before in my life. His provision of uncertainty and chaos has brought much joy and growth and security. God's ways are certainly not our ways, and I am so grateful for that!

One of my favorite songs right now:
"Who Am I" ~ Need To Breathe

On my own, I can't. But He can.

On my own, without God, I can't. I can't so many many many things.
I have a habit of trying though! I want to do ALL THE THINGS! All the good things. All the things that I think God wants me to be doing or being or thinking or saying or praying or _________(fill in the blank)... I think you get the idea. Alas, I fail. Not necessarily because what I am trying to do is wrong (though sometimes it is, even the best intentions don't always make the path correct), but because HOW I'm going about it is wrong. I'm using my own strength. I'm using gifts God designed into me. I'm working so hard to hold up my accomplishments and say "Here Abba, Father, I did this, aren't you proud??" When really, He wants me to let Him do it with me. He wants me to let Him direct me to what is better, instead of my best. He wants me to grow in those experiences, He wants me to marvel at what He can do and the fact that He chooses to do it with me, and to praise Him (and share with others how great He is so they can do it with Him too), and let Him direct things (as He knows the bigger plan that I only see a tiny part of).  I know just as a human mom, I delight so much when I do something for/with my boys that impresses them (while being a simple task for me). It is so fun to give them the joy of sharing my strength and abilities with them, and showing them how much grander something can be when we do it together. How much greater are the things God wants to do in/through/with me, and I regularly deny Him that pleasure (or obstruct His bigger plan)?
God has been calling to me to let Him do more. I'm still reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and it has been so convicting. Is my life evidence of the Holy Spirit active, doing things in and through me that can not be explained by my own power? In some areas, yes, I can see Him doing works and loving others that in my own strength I really could not be doing. Compassion for the evil people doing evil things in our world right now is not something that comes easily to me. Even more so, feeling compassion toward those people who would threaten my children with the ways they are trying to destroy our country/world is REALLY not something that comes naturally to me. I need the Holy Spirit to do that through me. Through His supernatural power and His truth given to us in the bible.
In all of this, I want change. I don't want to be continuing to struggle and keep "trying to do better" on my own. All the wisdom in the world doesn't mean a thing without the active power of the Holy Spirit in me, strengthening me to accomplish what needs to be done, love those that need to be loved, have joy during the most heartbreaking of moments, and hope when the world around us looks like its spiraling out of control.
So, here I sit, wanting more of Him. Wanting Him to magnify Himself in me. Wanting Him to get the glory for amazing things He will be doing in and through me as I submit myself to Him, and commit to praying much more regularly and seeking Him. Changes won't happen just because I pray more, but through that increased intimacy and reliance on Him I do expect change, and I look forward to sharing His amazing works.

So, what can't I do (well, that's quite a question!)? Where am I lacking on my own, or doing things on my own that would be so much more fantastic done through Him? I'm going to share here things that I find myself continuing to go in circles on. Cycles of trying and succeeding for a while, then failing, then trying again, and so on. These are areas I feel God leading me in, but that I continue to fall short on as I focus more on the tasks and less on the One who has given them to me.

1) Patience with my boys when I am stressed or tired. I regularly remind them that the bible says a gentle word turns away wrath, and that we are to be slow to anger and quick to forgive, but I find myself both being harsh at times and short tempered. I need God for this!
2) Keeping up on household tasks/homeschooling/all the things I need to be accomplishing within my home for our family. There are constant piles of tasks undone, and I sadly eat at the bread of idleness (proverbs 31:27) in the name of "being informed" (reading news and such) much more than I care to admit to myself. I need His work in me, giving me the discipline to stay on task, and the leading of the Holy Spirit to prioritize what REALLY needs doing and where I should change my plans to suit His.
3) Peace. When I look to Him I am filled with His peace, His truth calms me like nothing else. However, I lose focus, look at the things of the world and feel anxious. I need the Holy Spirit filling me with His peace and truth, and need to stop looking for that from external sources, or looking to "veg out" when I should be crying out to Him in my exhaustion and fear.
4) Self discipline in several areas. Self discipline in healthy eating (caring for the very temple of the Holy Spirit, my body, that He has given me), regular exercise, and good quality/quantity of sleep. I know that if He calls me into situations where good food/exercise/sleep are not available He will sustain me. I firmly believe that in the here and now, He is calling me to obedience and to grow in discipline in these areas, as they are strongholds for sin (sugar addiction, food as comfort instead of Him) in my life that I do not want, and neither does He. I need His discipline, His comfort and peace, and His strength to accomplish these goals/healthy habits. He has conquered the world, conquered death, and can conquer these strongholds in me.
5) His discipline and supernatural ability in memorizing scripture and hymns. He wants us to have His word written on our hearts and filling our minds. I know many individual scriptures (or can at least paraphrase them or the stories they are part of), but I've never embarked upon memorizing larger chunks of scripture (paragraphs and whole chapters before). It is terribly intimidating when in the last few weeks I have lost my earphones at the park, forgotten my mask and wallet at home, left my car keys at the grocery store check out counter, and so many other things. My brain used to feel invincible, but now (after 3 kids and so many "marbles" in my head, as my kids say), I struggle to remember the bare necessities. The idea of attempting to memorize full chapters of scripture seems absolutely beyond my own abilities (because frankly, it IS). These are not things I can accomplish in my own strength, I NEED God to make it happen.

So, that is my "I can't, but He can" list. I am committing to praying on these things more, open to His leading and His filling me with His Spirit to accomplish them. Studying His Word for Him to speak to me. I wait excitedly to see what He will do, just as Elijah waited for God to set fire to the wood in 1st Kings chapter 18. Even more so, I look forward to others around me seeing His works and crying out "The Lord, He is God! The Lord, He is God" as the baal worshipers did (1st Kings 18:39).

New Days...

Psalm 118:24 "This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it."

    It's been 4 years since my last post on here was published, and boy have things changed!! We have 3 boys now instead of 2, I am no longer working outside of our home (PRAISE the Lord! My work was I think a big factor in not writing much), I am no longer a "wandering matriarch" as God gave us a new home church 2 years ago, and this year (DUN-DUN-DUNN) 2020 has been a game changer for everyone.
    This year, whew, anyone alive now and reading this I'm sure can agree, is such a weird and unexpected and unfathomable year. I don't pretend to know everything, and I'm certain I am off base on some things, but for the sake of writing this blog I'll try to explain the basics of where I'm coming from in regards to all of this.
    Yes, there is a virus, and it has made people sick and caused deaths. No, I don't think it is the horrible fear-worthy pandemic (akin to Spanish Flu or the Plague) the media and some government officials are trying to convince us it is. Yes, there is still racism around the world and our country, but no, I don't agree that it is a systemic problem within our police system (and if you accuse me of white fragility I have no interest in engaging in that conversation) nor is it limited to one ethnic group as the aggressors or victims. Yes, I do think there are people in power (government or otherwise) who are trying to use the virus situation and racial tension to change things in a very bad way in our country and world. No, Murder Hornets are not something we need to be fearful of.

    So, those are some of my basic understandings on our current world situation. Even bigger though: I still believe that God is good and is in control, and is and WILL work everything out for ultimate good and His glory. I really don't expect things (on a worldly scale) to get "better". In fact, I'm certain that they are going to get worse (at least from a christian perspective). Partially just because of watching what is going on (big push for socialist/marxist ideals in our country, continuing dive into embracing sinful desires and rejecting God, just to point out a few) but mostly because God tells us this will happen (Second Timothy Chapter 3 goes into some detail). He tells us to expect persecution as believers (which is a guarantee as socialism and Marxist ideas spread). 2nd Timothy 3:12 says "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted" as well as John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in Me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble! But take heart, I have overcome the world!".  We are not assured of easy living in this life, we are assured of trouble in this world BUT that God will always provide for us, that He is always with us and guiding us, and that He has an ultimate eternal plan that is so much better than any temporary worldly enjoyments. The struggles here are never in vain, and God is using it all for good.
    Which brings me back to the psalm I opened this with "This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it." Today was made by the Lord, this day with a multitude of sunburns on my skin (ouch.), dizziness while buying groceries from wearing the silly mask I'm required to, and frustrating news of tightening restrictions from our governor (along with the fun stuff too ;) ). I will rejoice, because God has made this day and He has had a purpose in it. He has been working in my heart so much throughout this new season, helping pry my grip from my comforts in our life here and instead helping me to cling to Him as my security (far more secure than any job or full grocery store or easily acquired toilet paper!). The Holy Spirit is actively renewing and changing me to desire God and His will more, and helping me to be more brave in those pursuits. I could not ask for better!

    I came across an old post on facebook recently that had a quote by A. W. Tozer I'd shared that said "I believe the time is coming when we will not be able to take our Christianity as casually as we do now." (posted in 2016). I believe that time is drawing even more near.
    I've been reading the book "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan recently (I highly recommend it, it is about the Holy Spirit, both who He is and what He does, as well as our terrible habit of neglecting Him in our lives and in the church) and there was a story about a woman name Esther Ahn Kim from WW2 and I feel it is very fitting for what we are stepping in to as Christians right now. I've posted the pictures of the story from the book below.
    Are we entering into "official" end times? I don't know, and I won't presume to know that. I know that we are told that it is coming and to be ready, and in the meantime to be knowing God and making Him known to those we come in contact with. To love Him, and to love others as He does. To hate evil and love God and do good. I've definitely taken that calling more casually than I'm happy about over the years. But, like Esther Ahn Kim, I am seeing the signs of increased persecution for God's children, and I want to be ready.
    I'm praying for the Holy Spirit to give me the kind of self-discipline only He can give in accomplishing this, and for His leading as to what areas specifically I should be focusing on (for myself and my family). I encourage you to do the same!