God's Provision... Not Always What We Think

 Hello again!

    God's provision. Wow, I definitely don't feel qualified to write anything about this topic, but, I'm not really qualified to write about anything else either, so here I go anyways. ;)
I've been pondering this topic off and on for a few weeks. Mostly, as a result of our youngest son's recent hernia surgery (he's doing great btw, a 14 month old the afternoon after surgery still has more energy to go go go than an adult. Never ceases to amaze me!) and the very many way's God clearly provided for us/him throughout the whole ordeal. I kept thinking "I really need to write all of those amazing blessings, big and small, down. I don't want to forget how good God was through all of it!". I'm still thinking that (and I'll add them at the end another time, just to highlight just how wonderful and attentive God is, He remembers so many details!), but it felt a bit dishonest, in a way, to write about God's provision and only talk about the blessings we enjoy, and not the other miraculous provisions He makes that don't always feel so uncomfortable in the moment.
    What do I mean? Well, one fantastic example that comes to mind is the last 6 months of this year, the now infamous 2020. Discomfort has been one of the greatest blessings He has given us. Along with uncertainty in worldly things. Things we depend on (far more than we should) like jobs and a steady income (I know we wondered often if my husband would keep working or not). Or like being able to go to the local store and know they will have the grocery items we need. Were you panicked about toilet paper? Be honest... ;)  For me, it was produce/food items, with kids with food allergies, I plan out our meals very meticulously. If a shelf is empty from a product we need, I don't really have a lot of other options. That happened often (and still does), and it unsettled me, far more than I like to admit. 
    God's great provision in all of this has been to provide us with Himself as our refuge. No, we didn't go without food and wonderfully, my husband kept working, but the uncertainty drove me to turn to Him all the more fiercely. He made us (definitely me) realize yet again just how fleeting everything here really is, how undependable it actually is. 
    Now don't get me wrong, I struggled. Big time. I didn't want to give up my comfortable, my expected, and my plans for this year. My 2+2=4, where I knew where both 2's were coming from and what I would do with 4 when I had it in hand.  I really fought God in my heart, I knew He was right (And always is), but fear was a very loud adversary. Anxiety danced around me, something akin to the crowd in a mosh-pit at a rock concert. Just bumping me around here to there, trying to knock me down and toss me around, as I tried to find some moment of calm in the middle of the chaos. All the while, God was whispering to me "I'm Here, trust me. I walk on water and quiet storms. I have this and I have you, let ME lead." 
    Honestly, my biggest fear wasn't even the groceries or the bills. It was the news and government statements going around talking about separating families in the event of someone getting the virus. This mama bear was NOT going to stand for that. God gave us those beautiful little men, He has entrusted us to care for them and raise them and love them, and here was the government trying to decide what happens with them regardless of what we as parents said. That terrified me in my bones. Honestly, that situation hasn't changed much in worldly terms, there are still ideas being float around about mandatory vaccinations (no thanks) and restrictions related to those, and other legislation to separate people in relation to the virus. What has changed is my heart in the matter. 
    I finally started listening to God's whispers (which turn out to be much louder the more you focus on them and not the chaos around you). I finally started accepting His control. He reminded me that even though He has given us our lovely monsters, they are still His, and He is and will take care of them (and better than we could ever do on our own). He reminded me that nothing will happen to them/us that He hasn't already decided to allow (or directly make happen) because He KNOWS that ultimately His plans are the absolute best. His provision, even when it hurts and doesn't look like provision, is best and always right. I had to give up control to Him, and when it came to our boys, I realized that was harder than I ever imagined. But, giving up control to our loving God, rather than fearing an evil government (ultimately, not driven by men but by Satan, as the current ruler of this world as stated in Ephesians 6), was different. God's provision to have this chaotic year happen has forced me to evaluate whether I really trust Him as much as I tell myself I do (newsflash, I was very wrong.), and whether I really believe what I believe. He's still growing and stretching me, and I know that is a process that will continue until the day I see Him face to face. However, I can honestly say the troubles (the uncomfortable provision) of this year have drawn me closer to Him, and given me a deeper faith than I had entering this year.
     Its really odd thinking that in January I was full of hope for us to get finances perfectly in order and gaining ground in that arena, I was eager for better physical fitness, for better organization in my home and in homeschooling, eager for all sorts of "american dream" type things. It seemed like everything was "coming together" after years of working toward it. Then the 2020 truck hit and shattered so many of those goals. My previous goals were very "this life" focused. God changed that. He's made me "eternity focused". There was a fantastic question posed by Francis Chan in his book "Crazy Love", it was a question asked in one of His bible college days. The professor asked "What are you doing right now that requires faith?".  God was already working in me, through many books and experiences and His word to make me aware of just how much I wasn't living in faith. I was believing in God, but I was actively living out of fear (but it didn't feel like fear, it just felt like orderly organization/balancing of life's activities). It wasn't until my normal juggling balls just started flying off as if in a storm and I really had to rely on God to keep them on track. Even more so, I had to give up control as to what would happen to each ball, willingly, even if it meant some crashed or disappeared forever. 
    To quote Oswald Chambers in his book "My Utmost for His Highest" (the entry for April 29th),  "Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time." God brought this wonderful piece to mind for me at the very beginning of the lockdown. I found comfort in it even though He made my real spiritual struggle painfully clear.  
    God's provision through these chaotic months has been to draw us back to Him. Luke 14:26 felt like it had become a much more personal challenge this year. It says "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple." In the past, as a single woman, I would skim over it thinking "of course I could could do that, God is always first even if I have to walk away from them." This year, God brought it to mind in a new light, telling me "To love Me, you have to be willing to give them to Me, give them over to My plans, not yours Jamie, even to the point of being separated if that is what is required to fulfill the good I am planning." Well, that was a different ballgame! I get teary even thinking about it. I think I'm finally getting to a place where I can say  "Yes Lord, they are Yours, do what You will."
    It feels ridiculous struggling with this, knowing that God is good, and that ALL good things come from Him, and that nothing will go wrong in His control (And everything in is in His control). Romans 8:28, a common memory verse, is one I have had to really take to heart for the promise written in it "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It still comes back to the challenge given through His provision this year: "Do I really believe what I say I believe?". I do. Do you?
    I found great conviction reading through Esther Ahn Kim's book "If I perish" and the difficult provision (as well as enjoyable) God gave her in the prison (please read it if you can). Its quite humbling to be reminded that even if all we are given is rotten food in a freezing cell, in comparison to all our sins and how holy and good God is (to the point of sacrificing His son to live a sinless life and die on the cross for us), it is still more than we deserve. 
    Anywho, I need to go get my my root canal finished, but that is where God has me right now. His provision is always good, even though some of the greatest ways He provides for us are through the challenges and worldly struggles He allows and brings to us. 
    
    Romans 5:3-5 "3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
  
     I can honestly say, while the world looks the worst I can remember in my lifetime, I have a hope I can't say I've truly known before in my life. His provision of uncertainty and chaos has brought much joy and growth and security. God's ways are certainly not our ways, and I am so grateful for that!

One of my favorite songs right now:
"Who Am I" ~ Need To Breathe