On my own, I can't. But He can.

On my own, without God, I can't. I can't so many many many things.
I have a habit of trying though! I want to do ALL THE THINGS! All the good things. All the things that I think God wants me to be doing or being or thinking or saying or praying or _________(fill in the blank)... I think you get the idea. Alas, I fail. Not necessarily because what I am trying to do is wrong (though sometimes it is, even the best intentions don't always make the path correct), but because HOW I'm going about it is wrong. I'm using my own strength. I'm using gifts God designed into me. I'm working so hard to hold up my accomplishments and say "Here Abba, Father, I did this, aren't you proud??" When really, He wants me to let Him do it with me. He wants me to let Him direct me to what is better, instead of my best. He wants me to grow in those experiences, He wants me to marvel at what He can do and the fact that He chooses to do it with me, and to praise Him (and share with others how great He is so they can do it with Him too), and let Him direct things (as He knows the bigger plan that I only see a tiny part of).  I know just as a human mom, I delight so much when I do something for/with my boys that impresses them (while being a simple task for me). It is so fun to give them the joy of sharing my strength and abilities with them, and showing them how much grander something can be when we do it together. How much greater are the things God wants to do in/through/with me, and I regularly deny Him that pleasure (or obstruct His bigger plan)?
God has been calling to me to let Him do more. I'm still reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and it has been so convicting. Is my life evidence of the Holy Spirit active, doing things in and through me that can not be explained by my own power? In some areas, yes, I can see Him doing works and loving others that in my own strength I really could not be doing. Compassion for the evil people doing evil things in our world right now is not something that comes easily to me. Even more so, feeling compassion toward those people who would threaten my children with the ways they are trying to destroy our country/world is REALLY not something that comes naturally to me. I need the Holy Spirit to do that through me. Through His supernatural power and His truth given to us in the bible.
In all of this, I want change. I don't want to be continuing to struggle and keep "trying to do better" on my own. All the wisdom in the world doesn't mean a thing without the active power of the Holy Spirit in me, strengthening me to accomplish what needs to be done, love those that need to be loved, have joy during the most heartbreaking of moments, and hope when the world around us looks like its spiraling out of control.
So, here I sit, wanting more of Him. Wanting Him to magnify Himself in me. Wanting Him to get the glory for amazing things He will be doing in and through me as I submit myself to Him, and commit to praying much more regularly and seeking Him. Changes won't happen just because I pray more, but through that increased intimacy and reliance on Him I do expect change, and I look forward to sharing His amazing works.

So, what can't I do (well, that's quite a question!)? Where am I lacking on my own, or doing things on my own that would be so much more fantastic done through Him? I'm going to share here things that I find myself continuing to go in circles on. Cycles of trying and succeeding for a while, then failing, then trying again, and so on. These are areas I feel God leading me in, but that I continue to fall short on as I focus more on the tasks and less on the One who has given them to me.

1) Patience with my boys when I am stressed or tired. I regularly remind them that the bible says a gentle word turns away wrath, and that we are to be slow to anger and quick to forgive, but I find myself both being harsh at times and short tempered. I need God for this!
2) Keeping up on household tasks/homeschooling/all the things I need to be accomplishing within my home for our family. There are constant piles of tasks undone, and I sadly eat at the bread of idleness (proverbs 31:27) in the name of "being informed" (reading news and such) much more than I care to admit to myself. I need His work in me, giving me the discipline to stay on task, and the leading of the Holy Spirit to prioritize what REALLY needs doing and where I should change my plans to suit His.
3) Peace. When I look to Him I am filled with His peace, His truth calms me like nothing else. However, I lose focus, look at the things of the world and feel anxious. I need the Holy Spirit filling me with His peace and truth, and need to stop looking for that from external sources, or looking to "veg out" when I should be crying out to Him in my exhaustion and fear.
4) Self discipline in several areas. Self discipline in healthy eating (caring for the very temple of the Holy Spirit, my body, that He has given me), regular exercise, and good quality/quantity of sleep. I know that if He calls me into situations where good food/exercise/sleep are not available He will sustain me. I firmly believe that in the here and now, He is calling me to obedience and to grow in discipline in these areas, as they are strongholds for sin (sugar addiction, food as comfort instead of Him) in my life that I do not want, and neither does He. I need His discipline, His comfort and peace, and His strength to accomplish these goals/healthy habits. He has conquered the world, conquered death, and can conquer these strongholds in me.
5) His discipline and supernatural ability in memorizing scripture and hymns. He wants us to have His word written on our hearts and filling our minds. I know many individual scriptures (or can at least paraphrase them or the stories they are part of), but I've never embarked upon memorizing larger chunks of scripture (paragraphs and whole chapters before). It is terribly intimidating when in the last few weeks I have lost my earphones at the park, forgotten my mask and wallet at home, left my car keys at the grocery store check out counter, and so many other things. My brain used to feel invincible, but now (after 3 kids and so many "marbles" in my head, as my kids say), I struggle to remember the bare necessities. The idea of attempting to memorize full chapters of scripture seems absolutely beyond my own abilities (because frankly, it IS). These are not things I can accomplish in my own strength, I NEED God to make it happen.

So, that is my "I can't, but He can" list. I am committing to praying on these things more, open to His leading and His filling me with His Spirit to accomplish them. Studying His Word for Him to speak to me. I wait excitedly to see what He will do, just as Elijah waited for God to set fire to the wood in 1st Kings chapter 18. Even more so, I look forward to others around me seeing His works and crying out "The Lord, He is God! The Lord, He is God" as the baal worshipers did (1st Kings 18:39).